> WARNING <
Some of the Language on This Page may be Considered by Some to Be Profane
The Only Thing Missing When You Read This Page Might Be A Big 'Ol Roll Of Toilet Paper
THINK ABOUT THIS
If You Ain't Makin' Waves, You Ain't Kickin' Hard Enough
If I Worked As Much As Others, I Would Do As Little As They
No One Is Listening Until You Make A Mistake
Early Bird Gets The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese
The Music you are Hearing Right Now
is
the
Truck & Trailerpark Theme
By Roger (Trailerpark) Strosky & Gary (Truck) Miller
* * *
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AS I MATURED
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades,
and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
* * *
. . . The Most Destructive Force In The Universe Is Gossip . . .
* * *
Never Be Afraid To Try Something New
Remember That A Lone Amateur Built The Ark . . . A Large Group Of Professionals Built The Titanic
* * *
Q: What's the Difference between a Dead Chicken in The Road, and a Dead Trombonist in The Road ?
A: There's a Remote Chance that The Chicken was on its Way To A Gig !
* * *
Q: What Do you Do If you See a Bleeding Bass Player Running Around in your Back Yard ?
A: Stop Laughing and Shoot Him Again !
* * *
Q: What Do you Do if you Run Over a Bass Player ?
A: Back Up !
* * *
A FEW GOOD ONES
TWO HUNTERS
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, [I've done that] now what?"
TEXAS SURGEONS
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour.All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat.
Last year he became President of the United States.
MORRIS
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
THE HOKEY POKEY GUY DIES
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in ... and then the trouble started
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
* * *
MOMS WISDOM
THESE ARE GREAT
1 - My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."
2 - My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 - My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"
4 - My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5 - My mother taught me ADVANCED LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
going to the store with me."
6 - My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7 - My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8 - My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9 - My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10 - My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11 - My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12 - My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13 - My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14 - My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15 - My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16 - My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17 - My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18 - My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19 - My mother taught me about ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20 - My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21 - My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22 - My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23 - My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24 - My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25 - My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"HOW MANY OF THESE DID YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ???
* * *
ON THE TELEPHONE
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone? . . . "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
BRIEF PAUSE
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey? " he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
LONG PAUSE
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?”. . . Is this 555-7039?
* * *
THE REDHEAD
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place."Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . "you just happened to catch my eye."
* * *
NINE MONTHS
Jack wanted to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did. "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?
* * *
TOWEL HEADS
Recently I recieved a Warning about the use of this 'Politically-Incorrect' Term, So Please Try to Pay Attention
We have Been Informed that the Islamic Terrorists who Hate Our Guts do not like to be called 'Towel Heads' since the Item they Wear on Their Heads is actually a Small, Folded Sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, Please Refer to Them As 'Little Sheet Heads'
Thank You for your Support and Compliance on this Delicate Matter
"Now Keep that Smile for the Rest of the Day !!!
* * *
GIVE THIS ONE SOME THOUGHT
THE LAW IS THE LAW
By Charlie Daniels
So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then so be it.
And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation,
Then So Be It.
And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools, on which they deem their authority, then so be it.
I say "so be it" because I would like to be a law-abiding US citizen.
I say "So Be It" because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.
I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?
Since we can't pray to God and can't Trust in God and cannot post His commandments in government buildings, I don't believe the government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.
I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. After all, it's just another day.
I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day.
I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas break."
After all, it's just another day.
I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved if all government offices & services would work on
Christmas, Good Friday & Easter.
It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is
trying to be "Politically Correct."
In fact, I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...)
because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day.
What do you all think???? If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the minority opinions and begin, once again, to represent the 'majority' of ALL of the American people.
SO BE IT
Please, Dear Lord, Give Us The Help Needed To Keep You In Our Country!
'AMEN' and 'AMEN'
* * *
"Musicians are Incredibly Complex . . .
. . . and know Far Less than other artists What They Want and What They Are
Their Psychology is a Modern Development, and Has Not Yet Been Understood"
-E.M. Forster
* * *
THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY KARAOKE SUCKS
Traditionally, in Japan, a person who sings Karaoke will move to a private setting in a small room and sing to 5 or 6 family members or friends... NOT in public! (so they won't embarrass themselves)
In contrast, people in California are trying to put Karaoke in elementary and middle schools as a performing arts program. (how ridiculous!) Our mission is to help people understand how dumb they look and how horrible they sound while singing to a television
screen and to curb it's popularity.
People against Karaoke needs your help! Don't just sign the guestbook! Everyone please wear a tee shirt, display the bumper sticker, wear a hat, help spread the word about our mission by putting up fliers on boards everywhere!
Send e-mails, letters and spread the word about our site!
It's time to get serious... so do your part to rid the world of Karaoke! Let's convince the world that Karaoke just ISN'T cool!
1) - Karaoke deprives live bands, comedians and other entertainers of work by providing a cheap sub-standard replacement for real talent !!!
2) - A person can't just walk into a bar these days for a quiet drink and an old country song. Instead, their ears are subjected to what would be
the equivalent to "Cletus the Karaoke Singing Jackass" on crack. Just say no Cletus ! Just say no !
3) - Because the mic stinks with other peoples skanky breath.
4) - Not only is it torture to be forced to listen to no-talent singers, but it makes it even more horrible when the Karaoke version of a song differs from the original cut. Will the humiliation ever cease ?
5) - Karaoke takes away peoples self respect by making a-s-s-e-s of themselves.
6) - It keeps people from getting a life.
7) - It gives people the false impression that they are cool. Karaoke is N-O-T cool ! ! !
8) - It hurts our ears! Noise pollution ! ! !
9) - It gives good singers the false impression that someone that counts will hear them and give them the break they are looking for.
This keeps them from getting a real break in the music industry !
10) - It gives bad singers the false impression that they can sing.
COURTESY OF:
* * *
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
*
How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
*
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Oklahoma to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
*
A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
*
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
Documentaries.
*
Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi.
If it would've been invented anywhere else,
it would have been called a teeth brush.
*
A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
*
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
*
The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too.
Both books -- poof! -- up in flames
and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
*
A new law was recently passed in Mississippi:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
*
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
* * *
MILK BATH
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
*
THE DEAD BIRD
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.
The brunette says suddenly, "Oh, look at that dead bird."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
*
THE CORN FIELD
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off.
A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
* * *
" Music Soothes the Savage Beast ... Unless it's a Polka ... ... Jazz is Not Dead, it just Smells Funny - Frank Zappa
*
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out ... Decca Recording Company, on Rejecting the Beatles in 1962
*
Never Look at the Trombones. You'll only Encourage Them ... Robert Strauss on Conducting
*
Anything too Stupid to Be Said ... Is Sung
*
If Everything Tastes like Chicken, Then What does Chicken Taste Like?
*
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
*
A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys.
When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions,
so they were named Forward and Away.
Years later the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return.
Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband plodding sadly up the beach.
He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish.
He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again.
"That's just terrible his wife said.
"It was terrible all right," said the fisherman.
"But you should have seen the one that got Away!"
* * *
You Gotta Love Robin Williams
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan.
What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be tho-roughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit !!!
No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in.
If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone.
We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise.
This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.
The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else.
They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere."
They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need.
Besides most of what we give them are stolen or given to the army.
The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.
Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying
'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
* * *
SOME MORE GOOOD ONES
"Years ago at the Chicago Festival my bass drum began to fall off the riser.
The bass player saw it going, so he ran up and stuck his foot inside it, to stop it moving any further.
The next day the press review said that we were so tight musically that the bass player put his foot in the bass drum to feel the groove"
David Beal
"Me, I just hit things with sticks" - Neil Peart
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."
"Mick Jagger is about as sexy as a pissing toad" - Truman Capote
"Once you're dead you're made for life" - Jimi Hendrix
"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read" - Frank Zappa
"All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff" - Frank Zappa
* * *
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: Hey guys, let's do one of my songs
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
A: If you put both of them on the Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower
Q: What's the best way to play a banjo?
A: With a hack saw
Q: What did the bass player say on his first job?
A: Would you like fries with that coke?
Q: What has 8 teeth and forty feet?
A: The front row of a blue grass concert.
Q: What's the difference between a bass player and a toilet?
A: A toilet only has to take crap from one ass hole at a time.
Q: How can you tell when a singer's at your door?
A: You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman
* * *
THESE ARE COOOL
Q: What's the Range of a Fretless Six String ?
A: 20 YARDS IF YOU GOT A GOOD ARM
Q: Whats the Definition of Perfect Pitch ?
A: TOSSING A HONDO BASS INTO A DUMPSTER FROM 40 FEET WITHOUT HITTING THE SIDES
Q: What do you Throw a Drowning Bass Player ?
A: HIS AMP !!!
* * *
I LOVE THIS ... GOD BLESS CHUCK RAINEY
"Whatever the Situation or Level you're Playing At, My Feeling is You've Got to be a Strong Player.
Bass is a Strong Instrument; You Can't Allow Yourself to Play It Weakly, With No Authority.
You've Got to Play with An Attitude, Because Everybody's Listening to The Bass ...
... And I Dare Anyone to Challenge Me On That !!!
- Chuck Rainey
Studio legend (Steely Dan, Aretha Franklin, Etc.)
In an Interview in Bass Player Magazine, February, 1997
* * *
LOVE TATTOOS ??? . . . THIS ONE IS GREAT
An Accountant gets home Late from Work and His Wife Asks . . .
"Where in The Hell Have YOU Been?"
He replies, "I was Out Getting a Tattoo!"
"A Tattoo?" , She Frowned, What kind of Tattoo did you get?"
"I got a Hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on My Privates" he said proudly.
"What the Hell were You Thinking?" she said, shaking her head in dis-belief
"Why on Earth would an Acountant get a Hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on His Privates?!
"Well, For One ... I like to Watch my Money Grow ...
Two ... Once in a while, I like to Play with My Money ...
Three ... I like how Money Feels in My Hand ...
And Lastly ... Instead of YOU going out Shopping Every Week-End,
Now you can stay Right Here at Home and Blow a Hundred Bucks Anytime You Want.
* * *
THE BATHTUB
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, And this should help you get started
During a Visit to the Mental Institution, A Visitor asked The Director what The Criterion Was which
Defined Whether or Not a Patient Should be Institutionalized.
"Well", said the Director, "We Fill the Bathtub, Then we offer a Teaspoon, a Teacup and a Bucket
to The Patient and Ask Him or Her to Empty the Bathtub."
"Oh, I Understand," said the visitor. A Normal Person would use The Bucket because it's bigger than The Spoon or The Teacup.
"No," said the Director, "A Normal Person would Pull The Plug ...
... Do You want a Room with or without A View?"
* * *
A GOOD REASON SOME PEOPLE NEED TO USE SPELL CHECK
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
* * *
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN IRAQ?
(These are NO BULLSHIT ... These Are Facts)
Did you know that the Iraqi government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people?
Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated, 364 schools are under rehabilitation,
263 new schools are now under construction and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq?
Did you know that Iraqs higher educational structure consists of 20 Universities,
46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers currently operating?
Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January 2005
for the re-established Fulbright program?
Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational?
Did you know they have five 100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment?
Did you know that Iraqs Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft (under Iraqi operational control)
which operate day and night, and will soon add 16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Rangers?
Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando Battalion?
Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000 fully trained and equipped police officers?
Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq that produce over 3500 new officers each 8 weeks?
Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq?
They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hc, 83 railroad stations, 22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical facilities.
Did you know that 96000 of Iraqi children under the age of 5 have received the first two series of polio vaccinations?
Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school by mid October?
Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq and phone use has gone up 158%?
Did you know that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio stations, 180 newspapers and 10 Television Stations.
Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004?
OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW!
WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW?
OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US!
Tragically, the lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes:
It is intended to undermine the worlds perception of the United States thus minimizing consequent support,
It is intended to discourage American citizens.
Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense Web Site
* * *
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"
"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
UPDATED: August 22, 2009
